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The Disease To Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome, by Harriet B. Braiker
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What's wrong with being a "people pleaser?" Plenty!
"A fascinating book... If you struggle with where, when, and how to draw the line between your own desires and the demands of others, buy this book!"Kay Redfield Jamison, bestselling author of An Unquiet Mind and Night Falls Fast
People pleasers are not just nice people who go overboard trying to make everyone happy. Those who suffer from the Disease to Please are people who say "Yes" when they really want to say "No." For them, the uncontrollable need for the elusive approval of others is an addiction. Their debilitating fears of anger and confrontation force them to use "niceness" and "people-pleasing" as self-defense camouflage.
Featured on NBC's "Today," The Disease to Please explodes the dangerous myth that "people pleasing" is a benign problem. Best-selling author and frequent "Oprah" guest Dr. Harriet Braiker offers clear, positive, practical, and easily do-able steps toward recovery.
Begin with a simple but revealing quiz to discover what type of people-pleaser you are. Then learn how making even small changes to any single portion of the Disease to Please Triangle - involving your thoughts, feelings, and behavior - will cause a dramatic, positive and long-lasting change to the overall syndrome.
As a recovered peoplepleaser, you will finally see that a balanced way of living that takes others into consideration but puts the emphasis first on pleasing yourself and gaining your own approval is the clearest path to health and happiness.
Product details
Paperback: 304 pages
Publisher: McGraw-Hill Education; 1 edition (February 13, 2002)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0071385649
ISBN-13: 978-0071385640
Product Dimensions:
6 x 0.9 x 9 inches
Shipping Weight: 1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.4 out of 5 stars
113 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#18,837 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
Braiker's book is helpful in several ways. She breaks down the people pleasing syndrome into three categories and provides studies that help explain how and why they develop. Although she provides ample questionnaires to help the reader uncover his or her feelings and thoughts, I found that many of these questions can be misleading or appear irrelavant to the reader. For example, many of her questions are posed with black or white thinking such as "I need to have everyone's approval before I can make important decisions true/ false" (74). I understand that this can be a possible feeling for some, but it may be overlooked by the individual who consistently feels that way with certain relationships such as in parent/child, friends, romantic partners, co-workers etc. To make the book useful to me, I began to exchange "everyone" to " certain individuals" as I read. This helped me pin point the relationships where I am struggling with these issues and apply her recommendations.
Audible version is missing the strategies section which is the heart of the book. I've used this book to mentor women in the workplace, but you need to buy the print or ebook edition. The book itself is excellent. However, the audiobook abruptly ended at Ch.15 with no real strategies. The strategies section, which is almost 1/4 of the book was never read on the audible version. It comes after Ch. 15 in the book.
I learned so much from this book. It was uncanny how many times I found myself reading about exact situations and outcomes I have experienced as a people pleaser. I didn't realize that I was creating the negative outcomes I was experiencing through my own expectations and inability to say no. I wanted to make everyone happy and the opposite happened instead. I really recommend this book if you think you are a people pleaser or constantly find yourself going "above and beyond" for others but feel that they never come through for you.
This is so insightful and very helpful. It's a real page-turner. It goes beyond explaining how some of us got to this point, but outlines how to retrain those deeply ingrained thoughts and habits. I've read over half of it so far, and have proceded with Day #1 of the plan to improve, because I've had so much time to brood and regret and realize that my time is just too valuable to continue to be stuck in the role of the put-upon pushover Underdog; hating and seething with resentment for the many who've done me wrong, and staying so down on myself for allowing it to continue to happen every time and not being able to find my voice to stick up for myself. The book provides the info, and believe me, I have the motivation to try to live on my own terms from now on!
Before reading this book, I had some vague feeling of my disease to please. After reading the book, I confirmed the diagnosis and more importantly, found ways to cure it. For example, now I know that I don't have to try to please everyone. I no longer get mad at myself for failing to please everyone I meet. I'm still recovering and full of hope. Such a life-changing book for those of us who've been trying so hard to please others instead of ourselves.
The first chapter was heavy to get through I’ll admit. But this book has completely changed my life. I actually carry it around with me to remind myself to continue to work on breaking my people pleasing habits. I bought this book when I was at my lowest and it has given me so many ways to actually work on my people pleasing. It has also helped me to understand the roots of my disease to please and helped to show me how my people pleasing was affecting not just me but my children as well. Thank you so much for writing this book!
Good material for those of us who try too hard to please. I gained much about this disorder and the connection it had to alcohol abuse. Great reading.
Wonderful insights for a card-carrying Co-Dependent!! Wow. Sure helped me to see many of the pitfalls I've been falling into all of my life. Refreshing. Helpful insights. !! Whew!
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